Yesterday and today (at of this writing anyway which was at 10 am...) I have just failed epically. Yesterday was sporadic. I would have my moments where I would go off the deep end, or be only to the level of minor irritation. Still though, since I have begun you would think I would be getting better each day. This is not the case at all. I feel as if nothing has changed with me. In my efforts to NOT underestimate this challenge I think I still have. I just want to succeed at this and it's just not happening. I KNOW I can do better, but when I get in the moment where anger happens I just forget everything.
To say that I am feeling defeated is an understatement. Am I perpetually going to be stuck at day zero???
I know one of my triggers is being bombarded with everything the second i wake up in the morning. As soon as I roll out of bed my 3 yr old tells me he's pooped then that he's hungry (and will LITERALLY tell me this every 5 seconds!) Even if I tell him to wake a moment, or that I am in the middle of making breakfast he will still go on...and on...and on...and ON. If you have ever seen Family Guy, this scene comes to mind:
This is my day pretty much every day...ALL day!
I have tried finding ways to zap at least his energy (my 3 yr old,) but letting him do Gymnastics, play outside almost every morning after breakfast (until he gets sweaty, stinky, and filthy dirty,) and run around like a mad man in my house you would THINK he would be more chill but noooo. My 1 yr old is a pretty mellow kid. He has taken to learning how to whine (oh joy lol) but usually doesn't get upset or loud unless something is wrong, or he's hungry lol. Idk, maybe I just don't have patience for toddlers. *sigh*
Sucks too, because I want to home school my boys, but if I can't get myself in check now there is no way I will be a successful home school mom.
Not to make excuses, but I don't think I am getting much support from home either. I told my husband, but he is the kinda guy that doesn't like to change the way he does things much. I have discussed this with him so he is aware of what I am trying to do for myself, but he still yells himself...sometimes I think he outshines me but usually when we both blow up it's about even.
Last night in fact, he really went nuts. As someone who was watching the events unfold I was sitting there cringing as i watched what happened. Not so much because of how much he was yelling and how harsh it sounded, but I thought about myself because I have gotten to that level and now I truly know what it looks like from the outside. I felt remorse and guilt because I know I have been that angry (I'm talking level 7 here...if there is something higher than 7 then I am pretty sure I have reached it).
I was upset because constantly I had to tell my 3 yr old to stop doing something that he wasn't supposed to do (can't remember now,) but I continued to tell him and in trying to keep my cool it was making my frustration grow and I may have hit lvl 4-5, but that's when my husband stepped in and went full out 7 +. My frustration was at that level but I was doing all I could to contain it, but he let it loose. As relieved as I was that he stepped in it wasn't what I wanted from him. I didn't want him to get THAT angry, but once he is there is no talking to him because then him and I will only get into a fight and that isn't any good either. So, sadly I kept my mouth shut. *Please note, however, that after a few minutes I calmed down enough to calmly talk to my son give him tons of love, told him to apologize to daddy for misbehaving, and all was well after that. Still though, it should have been that way without the yelling and screaming...*
Needless to say I need to speak with him and hope that as part of my journey to do better that he will also do the same not so much for him but to help ME. However, I can't say that he brings out the negativity in me because he isn't home most of the time because of his work. I can only hold myself accountable for my own actions, but I WILL say that having that negative energy around brings me down. I know it's not intentional (and funny enough usually my husband is better at managing his anger than I am,) but I need to have the support here at home if I am going to succeed.
I know this was a long post, but I appreciate those of you who have been reading. It really comforts me to know that you care enough to help me face this part of me. If you have any advice or suggestions please leave me a comment! If you know someone who is facing something similar in their family relationship please share this blog with them. It is my goal to not only help myself by tracking my journey, but to help others feel encouraged to do the same in their lives as well.
Thanks again for reading, and I will catch ya tomorrow!
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