Well, I have taken quite a break from blogging recently. I realized that I wasn't as focused on this Orange Rhino goal as I should be. It would be so much easier if I had more support from my friends and loved ones, but I don't want to sit there and beg for it. Instead, I really need to just rely on myself to do better - I can't expect anyone to do it for me. I guess it would just be easier to have that pat on the back, that encouraging word to know that I am doing OK, and to feel like I am on the right track.
That being said, since my last blog I just haven't paid any attention to my goal of not yelling at all. I figured with all the chaos of getting settled back into a rhythm after Christmas and New Year's it was just too much stress for me to focus on me and my goals of not yelling. I know a couple of my triggers, but so far I have not found a way to appropriately redirect my frustration and anger. I tried the screaming at something (I used my kitchen sink earlier lol,) but I found that screaming only made me more upset >.> I try clapping to get attention instead of yelling, but amazingly the kids just don't react. It's like the sounds aren't even happening. How's that for feeling invisible?
I was so overwhelmed with frustration the other day because my kids (mainly my 3 yr old) were just ignoring my every word. I would say 'no' to something, and my 3 yr old would turn right around and ask again as if I never spoke. There is just utter defiance in my home, and I have no idea what to do to resolve it. Even right now as I type this my 3 yr old is playing with the vertical blinds, and after telling him to get away from them (over, and over, and over again...) the second I turn my head he goes right back thus bringing my 13 mo old right along with him. I know this is typical for many 3 yr olds, but this is just insanity. My voice is sore not from yelling so much as it is from constantly having to repeat everything I say at every minute of the day. I just crave to not talk to anyone most of the time. I was so frustrated the other day with my kids that I went into my bathroom and cried. Like a child. I just sat there and wept. I feel like I just suck at this parenting thing. It seems like so many moms have it together and can keep their kids (mostly) under control. I feel like I have none at all. I think I would be a more effective parent if I just didn't care at all. It's not like they listen anyway so what difference would it make?? *sigh*
**Put the pitchforks and torches down guys. I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not gonna ignore my kids...though I wish I could pawn them off on someone once in a while for a few hours. ;) **
Now, I know it's a new year, but I am not about to make this Orange Rhino thing a "resolution". I feel like as soon as you make something a resolution it's doomed to fail. I am already doing bad enough keeping myself in check I don't need the false hope of a resolution to make things worse. However, this is a chance for me to look at this whole thing with a clean slate. I need to take better care of myself, do more for me, and thus be able to be a better mom to my kids. I firmly believe that you cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself. If you are not in a good place those around you won't be either. In fact...I think today I may try my Zumba dvds. I have been avoiding it because I am afraid to fail at being healthy (exercise and I don't really get along). I know that sounds silly, but let me put it to you this way: The last time I tried to exercise it was a beginner's yoga dvd. I got through the stretches and then began the 1st pose. I couldn't even do it. This was supposed to be meant for people who had never done yoga before, and I couldn't even do the first pose. I collapsed on my mat and cried. Aside from walking the kids in the stroller once in a while I haven't attempted exercise since.
Well, the kids are getting fussy so I think it's time I get going. I will let you know how things go with the exercise. Maybe that will be a good way to help redirect that negative yelling energy ;) We shall see =]
Have a great week everyone!
