I suck

I know...I have not made my promise to post (almost) every day.  Honestly, I have not been feeling it.  At all.  I have felt nothing but failure, and worthlessness.  I seriously feel like I can't do this.  It's as if the more I try to remember to stick with it the harder I fall.  I had a couple moments in the last few days that were pretty good - including 2 nights ago when Zach was whining for everything!  Every second all he did was WHINE and it was getting to me hardcore.  Hubby was home, so I figured I could focus a bit more on zach while Logan just did his thing.  I actually managed to calmly sit with him and talk to him while he threw an epic tantrum.  I spoke softly, I sat there calmly while still being firm, and got him to (finally) do what I had asked him to do in the first place (which was to clean up his mess in the playroom).

Unfortunately, my husband didn't much like the whining, and shouted at him while I was trying to calm him down and it almost just made me shut down and give up, but I stood my ground and managed to get the results I wanted.  I was so proud of myself because I had NEVER gotten results like that before, though it took forever lol.  Still, I was hoping that finally I was reaching a turning point.  Sadly, that's not been the case.

It seems as if my frequency of yelling has (slightly) decreased, but not its intensity.  I find that since I have begun this journey I will have moments where I don't go above a 4, and then suddenly something sets me off and I jump to a 6 or 7.  Talk about frustrating.  For a while I maybe got a 5, and thought I could deal with that for now because it was still better than what I usually resort to.

...and then today happened.  I was stressed out, trying to get my schedule worked out for today (because I needed a babysitter, and came up short no matter who I asked,) and hubby had to work (he usually doesn't on the weekends).  Plus, I was trying to get some chores done, and a few other things around here before I had to leave for the day so needless to say I had a bit more on my plate for just a few short hours than I anticipated.  The boys were in the bathtub, and in the time it took for me to dash to the other room for a towel (which took all of 20 seconds MAYBE...small house...) I came back to my 3 yr old holding the plunger.  In the tub. In the bath water.  With them in it.  That right there on top of my current stress just set me over the edge.  I was disgusted, grossed out, appalled, seething, and furious.  I think if there was anything above a 7 on the 1-7 yelling scale I certainly exceeded it.  I admit, as I type this I am still upset.  No where near where I was, but definitely still mad.  So much so that I don't even want to look at my kids right now...as mad as I am I feel like the worst person on the planet.  Like...worse than dog crap.  Worse than maggots on a dead carcass.  Use your imagination, and then make it worse.  That's how I feel right now. 

I am not even sure I can do this.  I am just not feeling it right now.  I want to give up because frankly I feel like I haven't done anything better.  I'm just not sure what to do at this point because it hasn't been going well.  I am tired of posting about my constant failure. 

Time to go...Gonna get lunch and a bunch of junk food to drown my sorrow and have a pity party today.  Maybe I'll watch a depressing movie too.  Who knows.  Let's see how much time I have today.

Despite my miserable post I DO want to wish you all a joyful Christmas/holiday.  Whatever you celebrate  I hope it's wonderful. <3