A New Year, and a New Start

Well, I have taken quite a break from blogging recently.  I realized that I wasn't as focused on this Orange Rhino goal as I should be.  It would be so much easier if I had more support from my friends and loved ones, but I don't want to sit there and beg for it.  Instead, I really need to just rely on myself to do better - I can't expect anyone to do it for me.  I guess it would just be easier to have that pat on the back, that encouraging word to know that I am doing OK, and to feel like I am on the right track.

That being said, since my last blog I just haven't paid any attention to my goal of not yelling at all.  I figured with all the chaos of getting settled back into a rhythm after Christmas and New Year's it was just too much stress for me to focus on me and my goals of not yelling.  I know a couple of my triggers, but so far I have not found a way to appropriately redirect my frustration and anger.  I tried the screaming at something (I used my kitchen sink earlier lol,) but I found that screaming only made me more upset >.>  I try clapping to get attention instead of yelling, but amazingly the kids just don't react.  It's like the sounds aren't even happening. How's that for feeling invisible?

I was so overwhelmed with frustration the other day because my kids (mainly my 3 yr old) were just ignoring my every word.  I would say 'no' to something, and my 3 yr old would turn right around and ask again as if I never spoke.  There is just utter defiance in my home, and I have no idea what to do to resolve it.  Even right now as I type this my 3 yr old is playing with the vertical blinds, and after telling him to get away from them (over, and over, and over again...) the second I turn my head he goes right back thus bringing my 13 mo old right along with him.  I know this is typical for many 3 yr olds, but this is just insanity.  My voice is sore not from yelling so much as it is from constantly having to repeat everything I say at every minute of the day.  I just crave to not talk to anyone most of the time.  I was so frustrated the other day with my kids that I went into my bathroom and cried. Like a child.  I just sat there and wept.  I feel like I just suck at this parenting thing.  It seems like so many moms have it together and can keep their kids (mostly) under control.  I feel like I have none at all. I think I would be a more effective parent if I just didn't care at all.  It's not like they listen anyway so what difference would it make?? *sigh*

**Put the pitchforks and torches down guys.  I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not gonna ignore my kids...though I wish I could pawn them off on someone once in a while for a few hours. ;) **

Now, I know it's a new year, but I am not about to make this Orange Rhino thing a "resolution".  I feel like as soon as you make something a resolution it's doomed to fail.  I am already doing bad enough keeping myself in check I don't need the false hope of a resolution to make things worse.  However, this is a chance for me to look at this whole thing with a clean slate.  I need to take better care of myself, do more for me, and thus be able to be a better mom to my kids.  I firmly believe that you cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself.  If you are not in a good place those around you won't be either.  In fact...I think today I may try my Zumba dvds.  I have been avoiding it because I am afraid to fail at being healthy (exercise and I don't really get along).  I know that sounds silly, but let me put it to you this way: The last time I tried to exercise it was a beginner's yoga dvd.  I got through the stretches and then began the 1st pose.  I couldn't even do it.  This was supposed to be meant for people who had never done yoga before, and I couldn't even do the first pose.  I collapsed on my mat and cried.  Aside from walking the kids in the stroller once in a while I haven't attempted exercise since.

Well, the kids are getting fussy so I think it's time I get going.  I will let you know how things go with the exercise.  Maybe that will be a good way to help redirect that negative yelling energy ;)  We shall see =]

Have a great week everyone!

Whew!

Well, Christmas is finally over. It's always a bittersweet time because we get to exchange gifts, be with our families all day, and even see people we haven't seen in a long time. Sometimes, however, this time of year just breeds stress and anxiety so for the last few days since my last post I haven't even thought about my Orange Rhino Challenge.

I know that no matter what, it should be ever-present in my mind in all I do, but I know that with how little I have been progressing I knew I would just be setting myself up for disappointment if I added that stress on top of the holiday stress.

Yesterday was fair. Had a few "oopsie snaps, " but overall I think I did alright. Today, I am going to do all I can to improve my attitude. Early this morning was stressful. I slept terribly (I really wish I could afford a new bed...) and the kids woke at 7 am to begin their day after keeping me up late last night. Thankfully, hubby gave me the opportunity to come back to bed. It's now 11:39 am, and I'm in bed writing this! I will get up after this I promise! Lol

Today, I need to focus on my stressors. I need to pray for patience, and hope that I can keep it together today. Hopefully as we approach the new year I will only get better at this, and truly start my journey to becoming a better, more patient, and loving mother.

I hope you all enjoyed your holidays whatever you celebrate! It's Christmas for us, so it was a day filled with presents, excitement, and food :p Now, I have to battle the thought of taking down all my decorations :( I think I'll wait until after the 1st of the year :p

Have a great day and I'll post again soon!

<3 Dawn

I suck

I know...I have not made my promise to post (almost) every day.  Honestly, I have not been feeling it.  At all.  I have felt nothing but failure, and worthlessness.  I seriously feel like I can't do this.  It's as if the more I try to remember to stick with it the harder I fall.  I had a couple moments in the last few days that were pretty good - including 2 nights ago when Zach was whining for everything!  Every second all he did was WHINE and it was getting to me hardcore.  Hubby was home, so I figured I could focus a bit more on zach while Logan just did his thing.  I actually managed to calmly sit with him and talk to him while he threw an epic tantrum.  I spoke softly, I sat there calmly while still being firm, and got him to (finally) do what I had asked him to do in the first place (which was to clean up his mess in the playroom).

Unfortunately, my husband didn't much like the whining, and shouted at him while I was trying to calm him down and it almost just made me shut down and give up, but I stood my ground and managed to get the results I wanted.  I was so proud of myself because I had NEVER gotten results like that before, though it took forever lol.  Still, I was hoping that finally I was reaching a turning point.  Sadly, that's not been the case.

It seems as if my frequency of yelling has (slightly) decreased, but not its intensity.  I find that since I have begun this journey I will have moments where I don't go above a 4, and then suddenly something sets me off and I jump to a 6 or 7.  Talk about frustrating.  For a while I maybe got a 5, and thought I could deal with that for now because it was still better than what I usually resort to.

...and then today happened.  I was stressed out, trying to get my schedule worked out for today (because I needed a babysitter, and came up short no matter who I asked,) and hubby had to work (he usually doesn't on the weekends).  Plus, I was trying to get some chores done, and a few other things around here before I had to leave for the day so needless to say I had a bit more on my plate for just a few short hours than I anticipated.  The boys were in the bathtub, and in the time it took for me to dash to the other room for a towel (which took all of 20 seconds MAYBE...small house...) I came back to my 3 yr old holding the plunger.  In the tub. In the bath water.  With them in it.  That right there on top of my current stress just set me over the edge.  I was disgusted, grossed out, appalled, seething, and furious.  I think if there was anything above a 7 on the 1-7 yelling scale I certainly exceeded it.  I admit, as I type this I am still upset.  No where near where I was, but definitely still mad.  So much so that I don't even want to look at my kids right now...as mad as I am I feel like the worst person on the planet.  Like...worse than dog crap.  Worse than maggots on a dead carcass.  Use your imagination, and then make it worse.  That's how I feel right now. 

I am not even sure I can do this.  I am just not feeling it right now.  I want to give up because frankly I feel like I haven't done anything better.  I'm just not sure what to do at this point because it hasn't been going well.  I am tired of posting about my constant failure. 

Time to go...Gonna get lunch and a bunch of junk food to drown my sorrow and have a pity party today.  Maybe I'll watch a depressing movie too.  Who knows.  Let's see how much time I have today.

Despite my miserable post I DO want to wish you all a joyful Christmas/holiday.  Whatever you celebrate  I hope it's wonderful. <3

Week 1 - Day 1

So I have begun a new journey today.  This is something that is going to be very important to me as it will help me to not only improve my communication with my family, but hopefully to improve myself as a whole.

I am talking about the Orange Rhino Challenge, and this is how it works:

I have vowed to NOT yell at my kids.  Yes, I am a yeller.  I don't like it.  I don't like the person I become when I yell, and I don't like what it makes me and my children feel like once I have done so.  There is a difference between yelling TO your kids and yelling AT your kids.  Sadly, I do far too much of the latter.  This is not how I want to be remembered as a mother, or as a person.  I want my children to grow up knowing I loved them despite the times when they refuse to listen, or do something I don't like.  I feel like I have grown to be far too impatient, too high-strung, too stressed, and too angry to truly function as the wife and mother my family deserves.

This is not going to be easy by any means, but I know it is doable.  I just need to remain committed to this challenge, and be proactive in staying motivated and confident in my abilities.

This is where the interactive thing comes in that I mentioned in my Facebook post:  I need YOU.  Yes, YOU!  I will not be able to stay encouraged enough on my own.  I know this about myself (which is why I haven't even begun to exercise yet because I am just not motivated enough on my own lol).  If you feel apt to do so PLEASE help me along this new path by reminding me to at least blog if not vlog about my journey each day, to write down my triggers, to find new ways to calm myself down before going off the deep end.  I know it may not seem like it now, but I truly feel that if I can commit to this 100% with your help along the way, I will not only be a far better mother to by handsome boys, but a better wife, a better daughter, and a better friend.

I will tell you that today, I have already failed before the day began.  I yelled.  And as soon as I did I cursed myself in my head because I knew I had already failed my first day.  However, I am not quitting today just because I screwed up.  In fact, as I was in the middle of typing this Zachary came up to me asking for candy.  Now, he has already had two fun-sized packs of M & M's so I told him no.  He said (or rather whined) that he was hungry so I calmly offered him alternatives.  He whined more and continued to insist and whine for candy, and as my frustration and anger built up I did my best to be stern and not yell.  Thankfully, I diverted the argument by offering to let him go outside and play in the backyard even though I have JUST given him a bath, and I really don't want him getting dirty, but it's either that or I wouldn't be typing now...I'd be yelling at him.  So, yay!  Achievement! =p

It's going to take a LOT of self discipline to make this work, and I am not sure I am going to be able to succeed every day, but I am going to try my very best to stay focused on the goal at hand.  With your help I think I can concur this! ;)

If you would like, you can watch my vlog that will be accompanying this blog.  Some days I may not be able to vlog, but I am going to make a point to remember to blog every day to keep track of my progress and log my triggers as I notice them.

You can see that video here:

(Will link as soon as I can get the video sorted out... having trouble with editing and uploads. meh)

Also, here is the link that talks about the Orange Rhino Challenge!

http://theorangerhino.com/the-challenge-details/

This will lead you to other links with some steps on getting started, committing yourself to the challenge if you feel so inclined, and some other goodies to help you along the way!  Please explore it and understand it because if you will go on this journey with me, you will need to understand why I may act odd, or simply nuts at times when I am trying to control my anger lol.

Thanks you for doing this with me!  Hopefully I will not let anyone down (most importantly my kids and myself).

Here's to continuing Day One with success!

<3 Dawn

P.S: at the time of this posting I will have also completed day to you can hear about that in my blog once I get it posted lol in the meantime let's just say that it was a pretty decent day with minimal yelling :-) this might not be as hard as I thought but I am NOT about to underestimate the true challenge of this project!

The last two days...

Well, the last two days weren't perfect, but they weren't all THAT bad.  Well, with the exception of yesterday morning.

Right after my husband left for work my 3 yr old decided it was a great idea to start throwing an epic tantrum.  I mean EPIC.  Nothing I did made this kid happy, and nothing I said would calm him down.  Needless to say it ended up with me sending him to his room (after I yelled...*sigh*...) and leaving him in there until he calmed down.  Thankfully, I was able to get breakfast made without drama, I called him out and explained to him why he was in trouble, he said sorry (on his own I didn't coerce him into it lol,) and we hugged. =]  Good way to start breakfast!

After that, we went to the neighbor's house so all the boys could play.  It was a little eventful because both he and the neighbor kid were CRANKY!  But, finally things settled down, and everyone was able to have some fun =] 

After that, I don't really recall too much stress with the kids.  At least nothing that got beyond a 4.  So, maybe I am getting better?  That would be nice =D

I notice I keep talking about this scale, and I am not sure I even posted about it or linked it previously so here it is straight from the Orange Rhino Blog:
         

The Orange Rhino’s YELLING METER

0 – The everyday voice. The “life is good,” I just love being a mom and having these little conversations voice. Serenity and happiness ooze out with every word. Signs: you think to yourself, wow, this is a nice moment, I think I’ll cherish it and you’re filled with hope that the day is gonna be a good one.
1 – The whisper. The quiet, almost non-audible voice that our pre-school teacher uses that somehow gets attention, respect and follow through. Signs: you can barely hear it and it works like magic.
2 – The re-direct voice. It’s a clear, loving and patient voice that does not show irritation for the situation at hand but instead gently expresses that you don’t like a behavior, why, and offers a new activity. Sign: When you use it you pat yourself on the back for successfully following advice from a parenting magazine, for once.
3 – The firm voice (potentially raised). This is the I am starting-to-mean business voice accompanied with occasional raised eye brows and introduction of idle threats. Signs:  you are still calm and there are no hurt feelings, but you’re wondering when (not if) you’re gonna snap and you are growing impatient, quickly. 
4 – The “oopsie” snap. Stop! Alright! Ouch! This snap is starting to get nasty, but hasn’t gotten there yet. It isn’t a long tirade, it’s just a quick sharp voice where you stop yourself…it’s just enough to make the kids stop what they are doing for a second and think whether or not they will continue annoying behavior. Signs: blood pressure is picking up a little, but you are back to calm quickly and think “oh sh*t I really didn’t mean to do that.”
5 – The nasty snap. Darnit! Knock it off!  Cut it out! This snap might be short, but it’s filled with venom. Signs: blood is starting to boil inside; vocal chords are warming up, preparing for a long tirade; you think to yourself “oh sh*t” was that a nasty snap? If you think it, it was.
6 – The yell.  It’s loud. You know it’s loud. And it’s mean. You simply know you’ve crossed the line, there is no question. Signs: kids tears are a pretty good indicator, as are doors slamming, kids screaming back at you that you’re mean and they don’t love you any more.
7 – The raging scream. A notch up from “the yell.” It’s totally intentional and is filled with much more nastiness, hurtfulness and hysteria – on both sides. Signs: body shaking, often hard to stop doing it; results in feelings of massive guilt and shame in the screamer (at least for me) and definite feelings of shame, sadness, and fear in the kiddos; throat throbs afterwards.

Thankfully, as I re-read this list, I notice that I have been mostly getting to 4-5.  I know I have hit the 6-7 mark a couple times, but not as much as I thought I had.  This is a good sign because it means I am improving!  I used to always stick around 5-6, and would hit 7 more often than I cared to admit.  Maybe with more practice I can get myself down to 3-4.

I REALLY need to work on redirecting my anger, and finding ways to calm myself down.  I kinda suck at that honestly, but constantly reminding myself that I need to do better has, in general, helped me to see (very) small results.  Aside from reaching level 6 yesterday morning, I stuck to 4 most of the rest of the day.  Today, I won't be home after 3 so I can only go by just this morning.  So far, life is good!  I haven't gotten past 3 which is awesome!  I think it helped that the husband was home this morning, and he was here to keep an eye on the kids while I showered - before doing anything else this morning.  I even put off diaper changes to shower first.  I took care of my need first, and that felt good to be able to do that.  I know it sounds selfish, but considering I hardly ever take any time to myself I figured the diapers and the rest of the morning routine (if you can really call it that lol) could wait an extra 15-20 minutes while I bathed =p

I got dressed while hubby made coffee AND got breakfast for all of us!  That was just awesome, and really took a load off my shoulders this morning.  Though, I DID get annoyed because my kiddo kept asking for bowls of cereal (he had THREE of them!  Growth spurt much???)  However, everyone is fed, bathed, changed, and chillin'.  3yr old is playing out in the backyard, 1 yr old is in the playroom...err...playing, and hubby and I are on our computers =p  I wish ALL mornings could be like this!  Right now, I am in "life-is-good" mode, and I am LOVING it!  Hopefully tomorrow morning when I get home I can be on top of my game, and feel this awesome about the morning routine .

Well, this was long enough.  I think I have recapped everything that is important =p  Thanks for reading everyone, and I'll try and post more on Sunday.

Have a great, and yelling-free weekend everyone!

ugh

I think I just suck at this...

Yesterday and today (at of this writing anyway which was at 10 am...) I have just failed epically.  Yesterday was sporadic. I would have my moments where I would go off the deep end, or be only to the level of minor irritation.  Still though, since I have begun you would think I would be getting better each day.  This is not the case at all.  I feel as if nothing has changed with me.  In my efforts to NOT underestimate this challenge I think I still have.  I just want to succeed at this and it's just not happening.  I KNOW I can do better, but when I get in the moment where anger happens I just forget everything.

To say that I am feeling defeated is an understatement.  Am I perpetually going to be stuck at day zero??? 

I know one of my triggers is being bombarded with everything the second i wake up in the morning.  As soon as I roll out of bed my 3 yr old tells me he's pooped then that he's hungry (and will LITERALLY tell me this every 5 seconds!)  Even if I tell him to wake a moment, or that I am in the middle of making breakfast he will still go on...and on...and on...and ON.  If you have ever seen Family Guy, this scene comes to mind:

This is my day pretty much every day...ALL day!

I have tried finding ways to zap at least his energy (my 3 yr old,) but letting him do Gymnastics, play outside almost every morning after breakfast (until he gets sweaty, stinky, and filthy dirty,) and run around like a mad man in my house you would THINK he would be more chill but noooo.  My 1 yr old is a pretty mellow kid.  He has taken to learning how to whine (oh joy lol) but usually doesn't get upset or loud unless something is wrong, or he's hungry lol.  Idk, maybe I just don't have patience for toddlers. *sigh*

Sucks too, because I want to home school my boys, but if I can't get myself in check now there is no way I will be a successful home school mom.

Not to make excuses, but I don't think I am getting much support from home either.  I told my husband, but he is the kinda guy that doesn't like to change the way he does things much.  I have discussed this with him so he is aware of what I am trying to do for myself, but he still yells himself...sometimes I think he outshines me but usually when we both blow up it's about even.

Last night in fact, he really went nuts.  As someone who was watching the events unfold I was sitting there cringing as i watched what happened.  Not so much because of how much he was yelling and how harsh it sounded, but I thought about myself because I have gotten to that level and now I truly know what it looks like from the outside.  I felt remorse and guilt because I know I have been that angry (I'm talking level 7 here...if there is something higher than 7 then I am pretty sure I have reached it).

I was upset because constantly I had to tell my 3 yr old to stop doing something that he wasn't supposed to do (can't remember now,) but I continued to tell him and in trying to keep my cool it was making my frustration grow and I may have hit lvl 4-5, but that's when my husband stepped in and went full out 7 +. My frustration was at that level but I was doing all I could to contain it, but he let it loose.  As relieved as I was that he stepped in it wasn't what I wanted from him. I didn't want him to get THAT angry, but once he is there is no talking to him because then him and I will only get into a fight and that isn't any good either.  So, sadly I kept my mouth shut. *Please note, however, that after a few minutes I calmed down enough to calmly talk to my son give him tons of love, told him to apologize to daddy for misbehaving, and all was well after that. Still though, it should have been that way without the yelling and screaming...*

Needless to say I need to speak with him and hope that as part of my journey to do better that he will also do the same not so much for him but to help ME.  However, I can't say that he brings out the negativity in me because he isn't home most of the time because of his work.  I can only hold myself accountable for my own actions, but I WILL say that having that negative energy around brings me down.  I know it's not intentional (and funny enough usually my husband is better at managing his anger than I am,) but I need to have the support here at home if I am going to succeed.

I know this was a long post, but I appreciate those of you who have been reading.  It really comforts me to know that you care enough to help me face this part of me.  If you have any advice or suggestions please leave me a comment!  If you know someone who is facing something similar in their family relationship please share this blog with them.  It is my goal to not only help myself by tracking my journey, but to help others feel encouraged to do the same in their lives as well.

Thanks again for reading, and I will catch ya tomorrow!

Oi...

Well, it's been a crazy weekend!  I have barely been home so my time with my kids has been brief.  Sadly, I haven't done so well today with the non-yelling, and redirecting my anger.  I think I have gotten to level 5 a few times just this morning >.<  I KNEW this challenge would be hard, but I didn't think I would face this much failure in such a short period of time.

This morning alone, my trigger was the fact that I JUST got home from being at Happy's (that's the woman I help out on the weekends,) and I needed coffee...badly! lol!  I didn't finish eating my breakfast before the kids started having a meltdown because I took a phone call, and couldn't keep them from trying to eat my food or yell into the phone while trying to have a conversation. I had to just lock myself in my room so I could at LEAST finish my phone call.  Then, my 3 yr old decided to nearly rip the door handle off so I had to let him in.  (so much for that phone call...).  It was a short call, but I needed to take it because it kinda determined the events of my day.  I just couldn't handle the stress of trying to sound like a functional human being and keep my kids happy for just 5-10 minutes.  so, I muted the phone...and I yelled.  I would say no more than a 5 because while it was loud no tears or anger came out of it (from the kids...) just pretty much ignoring me *sigh*

After it was all said and done, they both got in my bathroom and tried to play in the toilet (after my phone call,) so of course I was so beyond frustrated again that this time I yelled and kicked them out of my room so I could sit for 5 minutes to collect myself.  i think this time I got to level 6, but oddly enough me removing them from my room ticked them off way more than the yelling *shrug* idk...

I have come to the conclusion that I am just not good at this.  However, I must stay determined and not give up (even though I really feel like throwing in the towel after this weekend).

So, I guess this means that after 3 days of the challenge I am back to day zero...again.  Thankfully, the creator of this challenge said it took her several days to finally start getting it so maybe the same will go for me.  Just need to keep trying!  I can do this!  I think...

Anyway, I know I said I will be vlogging in addition to this blog, but I have had trouble with the program I usually use so I need to find another one as well as getting my files to convert and load correctly off my phone.  I tried to post a video the other day, but it was the wrong format so it didn't work.  Once I  can get it all sorted out I'll start doing the vlogs =]  until then, I hope you don't mind reading! hehe. =p

Have a great Monday everyone, and I will see you soon!

<3 Dawn